A Conversation with Dr. Alexandra Blee

Posted by Alexandra Blee on Friday, March 18, 2022 in Blog.

Interview conducted by Kathryn Brewer and transcribed by Alexandra Blee

This is the third installment of our blog series focused on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) within our Vanderbilt and Department of Biochemistry communities. Through conversations with trainees, staff, and faculty within our department, we hope to build a culture of curiosity, a willingness to share, and mutual understanding when it comes to both our differences and our shared experiences. As you know, I’m a co-author of this series, and today I spoke with our other co-author, Dr. Alexandra M. Blee, a postdoctoral fellow in the laboratory of Dr. Walter J. Chazin.

KB: Welcome, Alex, and thanks so much for taking the time to have this conversation with me. Would you mind introducing yourself and telling us a little bit about what you do?

AB: Thank you, Kathryn. I’m a postdoc here in the Center for Structural Biology and Department of Biochemistry, working in the Chazin lab. This is my fourth year here at Vanderbilt. In the lab, my goal is to better understand missense mutations in proteins that are found in patient tumors. I want to know how those mutations are going to impact the response of a tumor to chemotherapy. My work is very collaborative; I combine computation, including some machine learning which is exciting, cell biology, and protein structure and function to unearth a mechanistic understanding of these mutations. I wear many hats and have many collaborators, and I think that’s a really rewarding way to do science. It allows me to do things that I wouldn’t necessarily be able to do by myself.

KB: Was that a very important goal of yours when picking a postdoc, to find somewhere where you could be involved in many types of research to get a more comprehensive view of a problem?

AB: Yes. When I was in grad school, I was really focused on cancer biology; I learned quite a bit about using mouse models and cell lines to study tumor biology. But, one of my goals for my postdoc was to branch out. I wanted to learn and incorporate unique perspectives and build a scientific niche that combines more than one discipline to look at a problem. I don’t think I necessarily came in knowing that I wanted to participate in so many collaborations, but those two things go together. If you want to take multiple unique perspectives and approaches, collaborating and learning from other experts is key.

KB: I’m assuming this idea of multiple perspectives is something that you’ll take into your own position after your postdoc.

AB: Hopefully! I think it is more exciting that way, although it does give you a touch of imposter syndrome, thinking “I’m not really an expert in any one field.” But, I think having good communication skills, and being able to communicate across multiple different groups and specialties is really important. This is the direction that science is going. No matter where I end up, that’s going to be a useful skill.

KB: That is very cool. I would be curious to know, what do you do when you’re not in the lab? Does this same perspective translate into many different hobbies outside the lab? Is this a general theme for you?

AB: That’s interesting. No one’s ever asked me that and I hadn’t put that together about myself, but I think it must be. I really like exploring outside – hiking, camping, and endurance sports like running and road biking. I like the challenge of setting big goals for myself within all those areas. Sometimes it can be painful in the moment when I’m going after a difficult distance or pace goal, but it always makes for a good story and experience in the end. Something else I enjoy, which really goes hand in hand, is baking. I keep my freezer stocked with cookie dough, I make sourdough bread, waffles, focaccia, muffins, really anything that can be made with sourdough, I make! My sourdough starter is six years old now, so we are old friends. Baking fuels my adventures!

KB: Transitioning back into your professional life, since we’re on a theme of humanizing our department, would you mind sharing with us an interesting or memorable failure that you’ve experienced in your career?

AB: I think one of my biggest learning experiences was during a presentation that I gave to some experts in my field about a new project I was developing. I went into the presentation having completely sold myself on my ideas and with less preparation for the type of probing questions that you should probably expect in that situation. I allowed myself to get very flustered and panicked very early on during the presentation. You can probably imagine the downhill line of questioning that ensued. It took everything I had to hold my thoughts together enough to finish the talk through to the end. Throughout the rest of the hour, I was holding in so much anxiety and honestly, disappointment in myself, that I burst into tears the moment everyone started turning their backs as they left the room. I felt so much shame, embarrassment, and disappointment at that. It really took me over a year to recover from that experience, and I still feel uncomfortable thinking about it now. It taught me to be a little more self-critical about my work and assess the rationale for a study from multiple perspectives. I think there’s also something to be said about normalizing emotional reactions to stressful situations. As a woman in science, I have internalized a message that I should not show weakness or draw attention to my gender by doing something like crying in a professional setting. As scientists we try to balance an impossible pair of thoughts – we must be logical and unemotional in our work, but at the same time most scientists I know pour their whole heart into their work. It is difficult not to take criticism personally.

KB: Thank you so much for sharing that. I know that not everyone would openly admit to having this kind of experience, and I appreciate your courage. I absolutely agree that it’s important to normalize emotional reactions to stressful situations. We are human beings after all, and it is impossible to control ourselves at all times. I also think it’s important that we make a collective effort to maintain emotional awareness and practice kindness. I was lucky to receive that type of response during a similarly emotionally-charged meeting and it made all the difference for me.

AB: Thank you! I don’t think it is a unique experience and there shouldn’t be any shame in it. At the same time, I agree it is a good reminder that as scientists we are good at giving critiques but should also remember to be kind.

KB: It can be hard to navigate the need to be logical and passionate about our work. As someone who can’t help showing the emotions on my face, I can also find it difficult to maintain that kind of demeanor. For me, though, the best and most fruitful scientific conversations have always happened when all parties felt free to express themselves how they needed. I feel like the moral of this story might be that we’re human, and it’s important to see each other that way, even at work. This is a perfect time to transition into focusing more on DEI. What is a change that you’d like to see or that you’d want to be a part of within our community at Vanderbilt to enhance DEI?

AB: Well, this is why I wanted to get involved in conducting interviews for this blog series. I want to see people become more comfortable and know that there’s a safety net for them when we start talking about DEI. I think it can be a little intimidating and scary. Personally, and I’m sure I’m not alone in this, I feel that in the past I haven’t put in enough work to really understand how on a daily basis we can be better humans and actively support diversity and inclusion in our communities. It’s then very intimidating for me to start doing the personal and community-wide work when I haven’t built up as strong a foundation as I would like. But, that’s not a reason not to start. We all have to start somewhere. I would love to see our department grow to be even more welcoming, open, and comfortable with these kinds of conversations. I want us to start building an environment where even if we don’t have a shared experience with someone, we make the effort to learn, appreciate, value, and prioritize those different perspectives.

KB: It is a challenge. It can be hard to feel like you have something to contribute, or to be worried about saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, the reality of these conversations really is that you have to start somewhere. They’re not going to be comfortable for any of us. Since you have such an interest in multiple perspectives within your science, I think there is a parallel here in the way that we see each other as scientists. Each of us has our own perspective to offer.

AB: We all need to bring grace to the table and recognize, “I might say something that I don’t fully understand the implications of,” “this person didn’t realize what they just said was hurtful,” or “I need to learn the tools to communicate better,” but that shouldn’t stop us from coming to the table and trying to make that effort, or from being quick to acknowledge and repair mistakes we might make. I think that’s important to keep in mind to build up this community.

KB: I agree. It’s about being willing to learn. None of us learned how to do any experiment perfectly on the first try. We had to practice and really try to understand what was going on. It’s the same with trying to understand the people that we work with here at Vanderbilt. We have to be willing to learn, to try, to take feedback, and also to give other people feedback.

AB: I agree.

KB: Have you had any challenges with DEI, in your own life or professional career?

AB: Exactly what we’re talking about, the change I would like to see, is also my own challenge. I’m so afraid that I’m going to say something wrong, or not know something that I should already know, or offend someone, or misspeak, that it’s been crippling for me. I have stayed quiet and been afraid to participate fully in the past because of this. I don’t think anybody goes into a conversation or an environment thinking, “yes, I intend to hurt people.” Decent people don’t have that mindset. I don’t want to do that, but I’m simultaneously very aware that there’s plenty that I don’t know or understand. My fear is that I will misstep and upset someone, but that cannot be an excuse not to start doing the work. So, this is something I’m trying to be better at. That’s my challenge.

KB: You’re talking about getting past the fear and being willing to be wrong.

AB: That’s true. You have to be willing to take feedback and advice from other people when you are wrong, and you also need some level of trust with those other people. I don’t think anybody wants to be in a situation where there’s no trust and communication breaks down. That doesn’t help anyone.

KB: Absolutely. Thank you for that. I know having these conversations even in our safe space is challenging, but I’m hoping that these first few discussions can be a model for the way that we talk to each other outside the blog. Do you have any closing thoughts or advice to share?

AB: I think you should never put yourself in a box, whether that is in terms of your science or your efforts to be more inclusive, anything. For example, I took a leap between my grad school and postdoc training to learn a new set of perspectives and skills, and I’m taking another leap to get over my selfish fears and privilege and try to contribute in a meaningful way to DEI in our community. You don’t have to stay in your own box. You don’t have to listen to or accept anyone’s preconceived notions of who you are and what you can bring to the table.

KB: You are the constructor of your own box! Yes. Thank you, Alex.

This concludes our conversation. Please comment below with your thoughts, and if you know someone who you would love to hear from, or want to share your own perspectives, email Alexandra Blee at alexandra.blee@vanderbilt.edu.

Kathryn is a graduate student with interests in structural biology, membranes, and the impact of protein mutations on disease. She enjoys making sourdough bread, singing with her local church choir, and coffee dates with her girlfriends.