Lessons from AIM

In 5th grade AIM was everything.  It was helpful to AIM chat a friend to hangout instead of having to awkwardly talk to his parents first when you called the house phone (we didn’t have cell phones yet.)  It was also a great place to talk to girls from school.  AIM was really our first presence on social media.  Besides chatting people you also maintained a profile.  It wasn’t nearly as sophisticated as Facebook’s profile, it was just a blank space where you could type anything you want for your friends to see.  However, there was one incident I went through with AIM that made me discover the dark side of the internet as well as the dark side of myself.

It was a typical day after elementary school, two friends and I were at my house on the computer on AIM.  We were also gossiping about a kid we didn’t like, Brian.  My friend Jared was listing all the reasons we didn’t like Brian, as we laughed.  Jared was physically the strongest out of all ten males in my grade, and was known for fighting with people and always getting in trouble.  My other friend Ethan was liked by all the girls, but we secretly resented him because he was the perfect child who never got in trouble and followed all the rules.  I was somewhere in the middle, I stirred up lots of commotion, but pushed it just enough where I wouldn’t get in serious trouble.  When Jared was making fun of Brian, Ethan told Jared that he knew Brian’s password.  He told us what it was and Jared and I “hacked” Brian’s profile by writing disparaging things in his profile such as  “I like Caitlin but I’m just desperate,” “I’m ugly and suck at sports,” and “I suck at life.”  Of course, I was being my typical self and fully supported all of this but let Jared do the actual typing. In the back of my head this saved me the guilt of actually committing the act.  The next day at school Brian wasn’t there due to his embarassment.  He was an unpopular kid and I was the first person to brag at school (Jared did his fair share of it to) about hacking into Brian’s account.  “Perfect child” Ethan didn’t say a word.

No surprise, my parents received a call from Brian’s angry parents later that night.  My parents asked me “Ben did you do this?’  I replied, “No, Jared did.”  I mean he did physically type it so I felt like he was guilty and I was off the hook.  My parents were so angry, telling me this happened on my computer, and if I let Jared do this I was just as guilty.  The truth was I wasn’t just a bystander who should have intervened but didn’t; I was an active and willing participant.  Jared and I received harsh punishment from both parents and school administrators.  Ethan completely avoided all punishment for two reasons:  He didn’t brag and he had a spotless reputation.

Ironically, today I am much better friends with Brian than Jared or Ethan.  However, whenever he has me over I still feel a little bit of guilt for that incident 8 years ago.  Not just because I bullied someone and violated their privacy, but because I ultimately realized I was harming myself.  This was a major tuning point in my life.  It made me realize some really unflattering things about myself.  I was a bad influence on others.  I knew Jared was struggling with his academics and his life in general.  And too many times I was egging him on to do things that would just get him into trouble.  I started half the fights he got into as well as incited him to act up in class. I also realized that I had harmed someone weaker than me because it was I who was actually weak.  I went after Brian not because he was mean to me or had harmed me, but because he was too nice, too gentle.  He was one of the most sensitive, caring, and nice guys in the class (maybe why we are great friends today.)  Being one of the more socially dominant people, I could have easily protected him from others as well as myself.  But instead I attacked him and then bragged about it.  Looking back, I realize that the reason I did this was just to build my clout with others.  I was a well-liked kid, but it was never enough, I was always trying to impress my peers even if it meant hurting others.  I realize now that that my need to impress others was not confidence but insecurity.  Lastly, I learned that I was not always honest with myself.  I always talked the talk, but never walked the walk.  I encouraged the “hacking” but then after the fact convinced myself that I was merely a passive bystander because I didn’t physically do the typing.  It took me along times to come to terms with the fact that I was an active participant because my ego got in the way.  I think that’s what I truly learned from this experience: My ego shielded me from taking responsibility and facing insecurities.  I finally learned that to change I would have to harm my ego in order to save myself.