We begin Why We Suck with the first sucky thing that happens to us. Circumcisions.
Don’t stop reading because you have a vagina or your turtleneck still keeps your guy warm. Everyone has been circumcised in one way or another, you’ll see.
My circumcision came a full eight days into my life and in front of all my family and friends. Being born into a Jewish family, this is how I was to be circumcised and how all my ancestors before me had been circumcised. I was one tiny shmeckel in a long line of tiny shmeckels.
Guys like me got a week to adjust to his new surroundings. The dark, moist cave we had been occupying had been replaced with this wide open blue and green place. We can’t do much, but we like the blurry things we see, we’re naked nearly all the time, and there’s pair of breasts constantly in our face. They were our mom’s but whatever. They were nice. Life was good. Life was pure.
Not for long. Our world comes crashing down.
A room full of eyes is focused on our tiny baby penis. A man with a long beard gives us a sip of wine and all of our baby inhibitions are lowered. We trust this man won’t hurt us, so far other people have only carried us around and ensured our anuses were clean. People are good. But our own parents hold down our arms and legs. We struggle to free myself. Seriously Dad? You’ve been afraid to drop me all week and now your Stone Cold Steve Austining me. Mom, what the fuck? Watch out for my soft spot, Jesus Christ.
The hairy Jew lowers his shiny sharp thing directly toward ours.
Not Jesus Christ the hairy Jew. The hairy Jew from before. The one who is literally sawing off a chunk of our penis. 
Here we go.
Pain. Fear. Sadness. Everyone claps. Mazel tov! We cry.
Eight days old and we’re supposed to be able to sort through these feelings. Why did they have to make that shorter of all things? Who are all these people and why can’t they leave us alone? Can we just continue on living our life after all of this?
We had to keep living our lives. There’s laughter and music after a circumcision, a celebration of butchered genitalia. People shake the father’s hand and give the mother a kiss on the cheek. The rabbi mingles and happily eats some free food. Everything was back to normal. Nope. Everything now sucked.
We barely understand the beauty of life for before it’s taken from us. Uncircumcised guys and girls may have been lucky enough to avoid their “circumcision” for a month or two. Maybe even a year. But inevitably everyone gets his or her dick sliced off. Figuratively at least. Or even literally ladies. (Don’t be grossed out, be thankful it’s not a picture). But eventually you were dropped, or cut, or victim to, “Are you sure we can have sex with the crib still in here” “Yeah, its only a baby. It doesn’t know what’s going on.”
We know what’s up. Now we do at least. Something has been off ever since the tip of our weiners came off. Sure people complain about whether it’s ethical or try to pass laws or write their Congressman or whatever. But that’s not the point. The point is circumcisions are so fucking normal that people have parties for them. This isn’t just a Jewish or Muslim or Christian thing. It has nothing to do with religion. It doesn’t even matter if you are circumcised or not. The fact that such a thing even exists is enough. Why do we suck? We suck because babies’ foreskins are being thrown in the trash everyday and we don’t even think it’s crazy. It’s crazy.
It’s all crazy. So Why We Suck is circumcising you- we are unwrapping the thin membrane of skin between you and reality.
Welcome.
P.S
There is no good reason to Google Images penis related words.
