Hollywood doesn’t make movies about functional suburban families. Audiences just don’t respond to two parents that love each other like they do to Will Ferrell’s misshapen ass. No one would pay eleven bucks to watch a well-fed, educated, hygienic human male for two hours. Harry Potter was an orphan wizard, Nemo was physically disabled fish, Rainman was mentally disabled gambler, and even totally boring Peter Parker was lucky enough to be bitten by a radioactive spider. I broke my wrist twice, and in preschool I peed my pants on stage during a school play. Not the most exciting feature film. Try to imagine a montage scene of backing my car into trash cans and mailboxes. My own best friends would probably wait until it was on HBO to watch, and even then only when SportsCenter cut to commercial.
Despite its lack of sex scenes and choreographed fights, my normal childhood was surprisingly enjoyable. I was fortunate enough to have any opportunity I could want, love in my life, and every reason to succeed. I realize how lucky I am to be who I am. I could have be born in the year 722 in the middle of the desert, my life’s only purpose to find water before it’s too late. Without that desert to wander you lose appreciation for things that really matter. Instead, I spent my time Myspacing, IMing, texting, Facebooking, Tweeting, and watching movies and TV shows that told me I could be anything I wanted to be.
Why the fuck would they do that?
How was I supposed to accomplish anything without an abusive father or zombie apocalypse to fight against? All this goddamn comfort and happiness has done nothing but stand in the way. My movie sucks because I was told to dream big. Today I could have been a millionaire, or a professional athlete, or somebody who actually helps people with problems. I could have applied myself to something and actually achieved it. But my parents always supported me when I changed my mind. They loved me unconditionally. I could have used some conditions. Now I’m 21-years-old with few skills that don’t involve an Xbox controller. When was I even supposed to become a better person? By the time I resolved whether to use “haha” or “lol” in a text and find the best porn site to invest my birthday VISA gift cards in, there was no more time for contributing to the world. The life parents and grandparents worked so hard to build for me ruined my life.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Wow, this bum is worthless.” I am. But so are you. Would anyone pay to see your stupid movie? Are you really doing anything more than overpopulating the world?
No and No. But don’t feel bad. Most people are just as insignificant as you. Our whole generation sucks, and it’s not even our own fault. Bright, flashing screens brainwash us into eating foods that will kill us and buying clothes that make us feel less ugly. We can’t actually do anything important when there’s always an episode of Seinfeld on or a cute puppy video we haven’t seen yet. We know every Kardashian but we don’t know our neighbors. We love the new Justin Bieber song but we hate anyone with a different skin color. We think we know a little bit about everything but really we know nothing.
And I’m the worst offender.
Unbelievable boredom and intense normalcy has led to consumption of everything and anything. Without anything to do but take part in this incessant stream of meaningless shit, I have formed and perfected a overly-critical, absurd sense of judgement featuring a warrantless hatred of nearly everything I see. This is my gift. This is my curse.
Wow Everything Sucks will not cure cancer or bring about world peace. It will absolutely not better any facet of the human race. What it will do is what I can do. What most people like me can do. Nothing. It will provide no edge, no passion, no worth. But it’s better than what you’re probably going to do with your computer and that totally inconspicuous bottle of Lubriderm in your top drawer. So read it. Add to it. Be that anonymous commenter spewing out questionably ethical insults. Your movie already sucks, so why not?
