You suck if you don’t know…Beetlejuice

Why We Suck should be more than just a place to appreciate all of our shortcomings. It can be a place for valuable information, self-growth, and common sense. We feel the responsibility to transform you from an average sucky soldier to the asshole condescendingly judging others for not knowing something that you do. We can share everything you need to stay in the know, to get it.

That’s why we’re proud to bring you the first installment of “You suck if you don’t know…” featuring internet sensation and little person king Beetlejuice.

That’s a face only a mother can love. But then again, you probably only get that face if your mother loves crack so much that she still does it when she’s pregnant. I guess then it’s a face that only a mother can love because she’s high on crack, or something like that. Regardless, this is Lester Green,  better known as Beetlejuice. Beet is part of Howard Stern’s “Wack Pack” or essentially a group of people who would have been circus freaks and kept in cages with miniature ponies before feminists and virgins decided everyone else can’t enjoy those types of things. Instead the wack pack are featured on a satellite radio show with millions and millions of listeners. In terms of political correctness, The Wack Pack is the exact opposite of the term “intellectual disability.”

Side rant- Intellectual disability is so far from an accurate characterization of being retarded that it’s honestly more offensive. President Obama signed a law that replaced “mental retardation” with “intellectual disability” in all Federal statues. The fucking President had to take time away from killing terrorists and helping sick, poor, and- wait for it- actual retards to tell us we can’t say retard. Mentally challenged, developmentally challenged, special- when you hear these words in your head your just saying “Okay, I think he means retard.”  Retard is and always will be how we conceptualize these types of people. Using that word shouldn’t change how you treat them. Is it better to point and laugh at someone trying to scoop a whole jar of peanut butter in their mouth and scream “Look at that intellectually disabled person!” or should we take the time and speak with them and get to know them and let them know “Hey, you know what- you’re a pretty cool retard.”

Intellectual disability. Please. Retarded people aren’t intellectually disabled- people who sit in a room and think up names for retards are intellectually disabled.

Anyway. Beetlejuice. The best place to really appreciate his brilliance is on his Twitter page. Being 4 foot 3 inches and having a head the size of a half inflated balon are pretty good indicators that you can’t really do stuff normally. So Beet has a handler of sorts.  He drives him around, make sure he remembers how to breathe, feeds him, whatever he needs to not die basically. He also manages the Twitter feed because, believe or not, Beet cannot read or write or spell or remember his password. How it works is you tweet @beetlepimp asking a question for Lester’s handler to then go and ask Beet himself. Beetle responds and his answer is transcribed in words so beautiful I can see them compiled in some length almanac my great great grandchildren read the sparknotes for  summer reading.

The tweets are Internet gold. The misunderstandings, insults, sexual images are as plentiful as they are unbelievably hilarious. With nearly 43,000 followers you can feel comfort in knowing thousands of other people are laughing at a retard so it’s perfectly okay for you to also. Beet may take a few days off from the Twitter, but signing up for an alert to know when he’s back tweeting is the best way to get him to answer your question and never miss his nuggets of wisdom.

If you’ve liked what you’ve seen in these short clips and tweets, there are hours and hours of Beet footage online. Something about watching him try to reason through things is so mesmerizing. It’s like vicariously being on some mind-bending acid heroin meth crazy pills trip. I can’t think of anyone else I would want to be for a day. Sure Brad Pitt fucks Angelina Jolie and Derek Jeter plays in the World Series and also probably fucks Angelina Jolie, but I would want to be Beet. Thinking his thoughts. Feeling his feelings. Hanging out with other tards. Spend your day with Beet. Enjoy these videos-

*Personal favorite* This is a long  video of Beet trying to order chinese food. I’ve probably watched the whole thing in its entirety at least 4 or 5 times. Yes that means I suck for wasting an hour of my life on a video where no food is actually ordered or delivered. I don’t care, I could watch it everyday. Makes me think my life will never be complete until I have my very own Beet.

Show your friends Beet’s shit. Act surprised when they don’t know who he is so you seem cooler when you tell them all about him.

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